WHAT I DON'T SEEK
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NOTE: Sadly, most of the things on this list have come from meeting real "slaves" in person over the past 33+ years.
PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU...
... Have the brains of a banana.
... Cry because it's Monday, Cry because it's Tuesday, Cry because it's Wednesday, Cry because it's Thursday, Cry because it's Friday, Cry because it's Raining, Cry because sun is shining, etc. etc.
...Are a swinger pretending to be a slave.
...Think a seven course meal is a Big Mac and a six-pack of Bud.
...Think sexual foreplay is a half hour of being begged.
... Have less teeth than your last Halloween pumpkin.
...Are an alcoholic or drug addict!
...Are currently out on probation for DUI, and get arrested for DUI again!
... Are facing time in jail.
... Are in a 12-Step program but blame everyone around you for your problems.
...Are 37 years old with ID to prove it, but you look more like 67 and aging fast.
...Have upper dentures that don't fit right and your lower dentures are missing altogether.
...Feel that "gainfully employed" includes turning tricks for cash with ads on Craig's List.
...Are only interested in becoming a slave so that you are not homeless, get free meals and "all the snacks you can eat".
...Have been given a "pet" name of Daabor and are not smart enough to know it is an acronym for "Dumb As A Box Of Rocks".
...LIVE FOR DRAMA !!! Over the past years I have owned 2 live-in slaves wherein I have earned a PHD in DRAMA! ...I don't need anymore!
...Have HIV, AIDS, Any STD, Any form of Hepatitis, Herpes or you think that the thick yellow discharge you have after an orgasm is normal. These are gifts I would prefer you not share with me.
...Have recently escaped from, are presently living in, or should be living in a mental health facility.
...Have been given a full frontal lobotomy and it didn't help much.
... You have been prescribed mental health drugs that you refuse to take.
...Have only one limb on your Family Tree.
...Cannot spell, punctuate, capitalize, create new paragraphs or use periods when you write to me.
...Do not know the difference between a Dominant and a Dominate.
...Had 50 candles on your last birthday cake and your online profile shows your age as 29.
...Are only looking for an online or cyber "Master" only.
...IM every new Dom who enters the online chat room you are in.
...Are currently collared or under consideration to 3 or more Doms at this time.
...Dream of the day you will become my 24/7 slave and you have 6 kids and 2 jobs.
...Think aliens brought you here in their mother ship.
...Are waiting for your mother ship to return.
...Think getting locked overnight in your outhouse is bondage.
...Your bald spot is bigger than Mr Clean's
...Think picking your nose and flicking the boogers is part of your hygiene.
...Think that a dangling cigarette from the corner of your mouth is a fashion accessory.
...Think Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
...Were recently the featured segment on COPS or America's Most Wanted.
...Think 401K is a really big bra size.
...Your mommy has to drive you to school.
...Are only interested in the sexual or physical aspects of D/s and BDSM.
...Think the only thing servitude means is sucking cock on command.
...Have spent time in prison for any reason other than being employed there.
...Think the "Breakfast of Champions" consists of tequila and cornflakes.
...Want to tell me how wet your pussy is and how hard your nipples are.
...Pick your nose with more care than you pick your Master's.
...Can braid the hair in your armpits, legs or pussy.
...Want to know my penis size in the first 5 minutes of chat.
...Think you should kneel to the computer if an online Dom tells you to.
...Want to eyeball me on a web cam.
...Want to become my 24/7 slave because the food's better here than at the half-way house.
...Sunbathe nude and vultures start to circle above you.
...Think that "Old Spice" is a food marinade.
...Were not born with the common sense of a doorknob.
...Stare at a can of frozen orange juice because it says "concentrate."
...Have an IQ that is less than your shoe size.
...Are under 18 or on your mommy's aol account.
...Your mother and father are first cousins.
...You are so unfriendly that your mother had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get the family dog to play with you.
...Send out pics of yourself that were taken 15 years and 50 pounds ago.
...Smell like a week old catfish that's been out in the sun.
...Your screen name says you are a female slave and you have a cock and balls.
...You think the ankle bracelet you must wear due to your house arrest is a fashion accessory.
...Have no sense of humor, especially about this list.
However...
if you're happy, well adjusted, DRAMA FREE and serious about the BDSM Lifestyle please write me at MasterZ@masterzchicago.com
NOTE: Sadly, most of the things on this list have come from meeting real "slaves" in person over the past 30+ years.